The Decline in Sportsmanship

I was watching the Olympics the other night when Dara Torres was swimming in two events. Before one of the races she approached the race judge and asked for them to hold off on starting for a few minutes so that the swimmer from Sweden could change her suit. The judge agreed and they waited.

The announcer was in shock that Torres could have that kind of fortitude and was lauding her sportsmanship while questioning if she could get back in the right frame of mind to race. He asked his co-host more than once if Torres was going to be able to get past doing that to race competitively.

I just sat there with my mouth hanging open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Have we really gotten so petty and had so great a decline in sportsmanship that what she did was considered extraordinary?

After the race they asked Torres, who came away from the race with a silver medal, about it. She said that the other swimmers are her friends. She was laid back about it and had the “that’s what friends do” attitude. It was clear to me that she didn’t think she had done anything outstanding.

Of all places, I expect to see this kind of good sportsmanship from people who are participating in the Olympics. They are supposed to be the best at what they do and are representing their country to the world as goodwill ambassadors. What they do before and after the event is just as important as during the event.

Torres did a good thing and I’m sure the swimmer from Sweden was grateful to her for doing it. It is definitely worthy of noting. I hope others, especially the kids watching at home, learn you can do a good thing and still be competitive, they’re not mutually exclusive.

Where Are the Parents?

Some may say I am too involved in my daughter's life and know too much about her and her friends. My daughter shares almost everything with me and her friends tend to be more open when they're around me. I seem interested in their lives and it shows by their willingness to share things around me and with me that they wouldn't normally share with their parents. While I think it is good that they have this relationship with a grown-up, it makes me wonder why they don't have a relationship like that with their own parents.

I guess I'm a bit old-fashioned in my thinking. I believe parents have a few simple, basic goals when they give birth to a child: provide food, housing and clothing and provide the tools to become a productive and good citizen of the world. Most parents seem to be doing okay with the first one, even if they struggle a bit here and there, but the second one seems to be seriously lacking.

In order to be a productive adult you need to know how to survive. That includes knowing how to do housework, how to do your laundry, how to cook, how to make and keep friends and significant others, and how to work. That means kids need to do chores and be guided in making decisions and dealing with other people.

Many of my daughter's friends don't have to do chores at home. They rub my daughter's face in it too. I tell her not to worry too much about it. When it is time to be out on their own they will be the ones calling to find out how to do things and stuggling with them; she'll be just doing them and moving on to more fun things. But I feel bad for these kids. They really are not being prepared for life as an adult.

They are also not being taught how to deal with social situations. One of my daughter's friends was going to dump her boyfriend by leaving an instant message for him while he was offline. I told her straight off that was just unacceptable behavior. She tried to back pedal but it was too late. I was seriously appalled. Heck, having a friend tell the guy would have been better! But it made me wonder where are her parents? Why are they not telling her this sort of thing isn't acceptable?

I was talking to some friends about this the other day. One was a teacher in the high school and she said she saw this sort of thing all the time. Kids are just not being given the tools they need to survive as adults. While I know I have a unique relationship with these kids and are more involved in their lives because of it, I don't think it should be considered unique. This is something that all parents should be doing: being involved in their kid's life and knowing what is going on.

Dropping ‘Chores’ from My Vocabulary

Last week I had given my daughter and her friend a list of chores to do each day while I was at work. There were only a few things for them to do but as soon as I said the word “chores” they got defensive and started grumbling.

It was while I was explaining to them why they do chores that I decided that I was no longer going to call them that. I realized that while they do the chores to earn allowance and do their part in taking care of the home they live in, the most important thing is that I’m imparting on them skills that they will need when they become adults.

This got me to thinking about that last part of it. They’re learning how to load and empty the dishwasher, sweep, do laundry, take out the trash, and so on. These are important basic skills they need to have so that when they get to college or their first apartment on their own they’re not calling to say “How do I do this?” or “What do I need to do that?” They will already know.

I also have always disliked the word chores. It just sounds unpleasant and negative. Maybe it has something to do with my memories of having to do chores when I was a child, not that I had a lot of them but I remember grimacing every time my parents used the word. My daughter and her friends all have the same reaction.

What could I do to change that? For me the answer was simple: come up with a new name for them.

So now I call it Life Experience Training, or LETs. It is much more positive sounding and better describes what it is. I explained to the kids my reasons for changing the name and that I’m doing this as much to help them as I am to get the stuff done. They still roll their eyes when they read their LETs for the day but I definitely don’t get as much grumbling.

YMMV but for us it is working out pretty well.

Nintendo Labelling Charges Anger

A few years ago my daughter got an Nintendo DS for Christmas. It arrived with a Spongebob accessory pack featuring that lovely yellow on the headphones and car charger. Needless to say, the charger that came with the DS and the one with the accessory pack have gone missing. They're probably in the house somewhere but your guess is as good as mine as to where that might be.

Last night I got an urgent text message from my daughter. "We can't find my cousin's charger!" So I suggest that before they leave for the water park today they stop at Target to get a charger. This is a well received idea and they do that. Problem? It wasn't a DS charger but a DS Lite charger.

It seems they decided to make all the DS accessories incompatible to the DS Lite ones. (I won't get into how much I hate that marketing tactic, suffice it to say it is one of the worst for consumers.) Argh! So they're both going to do without their DS for the two hour round trip to the water park. I told her I'd stop and pick one up before driving down to New Jersey to get her later today and she was most grateful.

I decided to try Circuit City first as I know they have a decent selection of accessories for video games. I find the DS section and start looking at the chargers. I discovered very quickly that it seems the stuff for the DS is being phased out to make room for the sleeker, more stylish DS Lite. That's certainly understandable. What I don't understand, however, is why they didn't change the logo for the Lite version.

All the packages had the lovely Nintendo DS logo on it, then in significantly smaller letters an indication that it was for the DS Lite only. As you can see in this picture. It took me 15 minutes to find one that would actually still charge the original DS and I had the sales guy look at it to make sure the label was right and it would in fact charge my daughter's DS.

I will be writing a letter to Nintendo and whatever government body oversees their labelling practices. The lack of change to the logo for the DS Lite is misleading to buyers. Most of the packaging I saw at Circuit City lacked the bright blue sticker drawing your attention to the fact that it is for the DS Lite only. Even the guy who worked at Circuit City had to read each package closely to see if it would work with the original DS. It would be an easy fix to the logo, too -- just run the letters LITE alongside the DS vertically. Simple, simple fix and there would be no more confusion for consumers. Will anything change? Probably not. But I can't just sit here and watch consumers be tricked by faulty labelling either.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 9

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Sleep Easy
I can pretty much sleep anywhere and through just about anything. I wanted to achieve the same thing for my daughter, if possible. I had read that in order to achieve my goal it meant my daughter had to become accostumed to hearing noises when she slept.

That was easy enough. Her bedroom was connected to the kitchen where there was a dishwasher and clothes washer, and to use the only bathroom in the house we needed to go through the kitchen. Not only that, we lived on a very busy street that often had large trucks and emergency vehicles going up and down it at all hours of the day.

Did it work? Definitely! By the time she was sleeping through the night she was able to sleep through just about any noise. We could take her to the book store at 8pm and she would sleep the entire time we were there, the noises and lights a total non-issue.

At 12 years old she can pretty much fall asleep wherever she is – the car, a friend’s house, a hot air balloon festival, etc. Life is so unpredictible and subject to change so being able to fall asleep and sleep well in strange and unusual places is something that will serve her well throughout her life.

The mom from the article recommending letting the baby sleep in the living room during the day, especailly if there are other kids in the household, to help them become accustomed to the noises. She said, “A well-napped child is happier and makes for a happier mom too!”

I couldn’t agree more!

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 8

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Prioritize Family Dinner
When I was a kid there was no choice about it. Dinner was everyone sitting down at the kitchen table and eating together. It was at the same time every day, except Sundays when we occasionally ate a bit earlier. My mother and/or grandmother would do the cooking and we very rarely had a meal that wasn’t freshly cooked. This was the same with all my friends and their families.

The mom from the article said they went back to having family meals to help improve her son’s behavior. She eliminates TV, phone calls, and guests and requires everyone to sit down at the table together. She said it has definitely helped.

Studies have shown that having the whole family sits down together has far reaching affects. Communication is improved, academics tend to improve, the family as a whole eats healthier, develop healthier eating habits and it helps improve their development.

This is something that has been important to our family in the past but we have gotten away from it. I generally cook a meal and we do eat together, just not at the kitchen table and we’re usually doing something else – either watching TV or are at our computers. We have a great bond, open communication, she already does exceptional in school. However, we do lack the healthy eating habits and don’t have the healthiest of diets.

So I’ve decided to change that. We’ve gotten the kitchen table back out, bought new cushions for the chairs in the kitchen and pulled out the old tablecloths. Now we just need to break away from the TV and computer and sit at the kitchen table. Maybe we’ll start that tonight.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 7

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Make Bath Time a Treat
I think one of the most difficult times of the day, regardless of how old my daughter is, has always been bath time. There is just something about it that all kids seem to hate and their dislike grows the older they get so anything you can do to encourage the behavior is a good thing.

The mom in the article suggested dropping the bottles of soap and lotion into the warm bathwater to warm the liquids up. That’s a great idea, and something I never thought of intentionally doing. The bottles inevitably ended up falling in and by the time they were wrestled away from the toddler who had decided it was a surf board for their Barbie the stuff inside had a chance to warm up.

I don’t remember baths much from when I was a kid except for when my sister got the chicken pox on our way to Illinois for a family gathering. We both got to sit in oatmeal baths much of the time we were there. Understandably, she wasn’t very pleased with that turn of events. She was even less pleased when I didn’t get those itchy red spots until after we had returned home and got to miss school.

For my daughter, we always had an assortment of toys for her to play with from boats to cups and funnels to dolls and rubber ducks. She had crayons for writing on the walls, fun soaps and anything else we could think of to make getting in the tub more fun so she would actually want to take a bath.

Now that she’s nearly a teen and her body has started to change bathing has become even more important. It’s still a difficult task, especially since she thinks it as a huge time waster and takes way from things she’d much rather be doing. So we’ve been working on trying to find a time that is more ‘convenient’ for her and will, hopefully, make the process easier on both of us.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 6

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Banish Boo-Boo Fears
If kids are good at one thing it is falling, getting scrapes and generally hurting themselves one way or another. Their reaction to getting hurt very much depends on yours. If you freak out then they’re going to freak out but if you’re calm and approach it matter of factly then they will still cry and be upset but not nearly as much.

The mom from the article gave some advice on dealing with blood. She suggested using a dark washcloth so that you can’t see the blood. She also suggested storing them in plastic bags in the freezer. Both are great pieces of advice and I don’t think I can offer better for those things.

When I was a nanny, my second job was working with a baby. He was about 9 months old when I started. He was just starting to stand up and trying to walk, and, needless to say, there was a lot of falling down and “going boom”.

My reaction when he fell was to say in a silly voice, “Oh, poor baby! Did you go fall and go boom?” It would completely diffuse his crying while acknowledging that he’d fallen. We would move on after a quick examination to make sure he hadn’t actually hurt himself and a hug/kiss.

As first time parents, his mom and dad would freak out every time he fell – they’d run over to him, franticly pick him up and check all over to make sure he hadn’t hurt himself while he cried and cried. They learned quickly not to do that anymore and there was a lot less anxiety in the house while he learned to get around on his own two feet.

This technique has worked with kids of all ages, including some grown ups. Another thing to do, especially if you have to clean up a wound or do other stuff to the site of the injury, is distract them with some jokes or talking. Strangely enough, this works for the hiccups too! Though my dad always insisted that the best cure for hiccups was to talk about purple elephants with pink polka dots. YMMV!

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 5

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Get Feelings Out There, Good and Bad
Feelings … nothing more than feelings. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. The mom for this one suggested pulling your kid onto your lap, hugging them while you have ‘complain time’ when they’re cranky. You both sit there and just complain about things together to provide a way of verbalizing what’s wrong. That’s a kinda novel idea and I like it for when they’re just generally cranky and there’s nothing specific bothering them.

Getting your kids to talk about how they’re feeling when they’re sad or upset is difficult and it only gets harder as they get older. I believe, like with most things, the earlier you start in trying to get them to verbalize how they’re feeling the more ingrained it will be and as they get older the less likely they are to just clam up.

The ‘complain time’ thing has the bonus of teaching by example. You get to show them that everyone has stuff to complain about and hear you doing it in a positive way, and also gives you a chance to share how you dealt with the situation. For example, you could say, “I had to do Bob’s extra work today causing me to miss my deadline and that made me angry. So I talked to my boss about it and got an extension.”

Another important aspect is recognizing when they’re upset. Sometimes it is really obvious, other times it isn’t as clear. My daughter, for example, will misbehave when she’s upset about something. If she’s misbehaving for more than one or two little incidents or really acting out I know something was up and it’s time for a sit down. That is after she’d had a bit of a time out to figure out why she was acting that way.

She couldn’t always tell me what it was so I would go through a list of possible things that might be the cause. Then I frequently had to drag the information from her but once she got started it would all spill out, everything from the thing that was causing the current issue to stuff that had been building up. It is usually very cathartic for her and occasionally a bit painful for me.

Nowadays we usually use my bed when we talk as we can snuggle better (though she’s not always ready to do that at the beginning of the conversation) and there’s enough room for both of us. Sometimes I still do the time out thing, though I don’t call it that anymore, so she can think about what’s going on and get herself under control before we talk.

After a particularly big discussion last summer with her about things that were upsetting her, we made an agreement that she would tell me when something is bothering her so that I, or we, could fix it – even if that only meant her being able to talking about it. I think it has been a bit better but it is still a bit of a struggle sometimes. Hopefully, though, the more she does it, and the more open I am to it, the easier it will be.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 4

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Win the Sweets War
Ahhh … the wonderful world of candy and desserts. I admit, I love candy and desserts. They’re just so … yummy! I confess, I don’t have much of a problem with this and my daughter. She’s not much of a candy eater and didn’t develop a love for chocolate until a few years ago. I avoid much of the problem with this by not letting her have access to a lot of candy and the snacks we have in the house aren’t usually sugary.

The mom from the article said she included the dessert on their dinner plate with the rest of their food and makes sure the dessert is small enough not to fill them up if they decide to eat that first. When I read that I was like, “What the heck? Dessert at every meal? Is she crazy?”

Desserts have never been a problem in my household because from day one my daughter was never allowed to think that she was going to get one following every meal. My husband and I never had dessert after every dinner. It was a treat maybe once or twice a week, usually reserved for Sunday dinner. For my family, it was generally either pudding or J-ello, sometimes pie or a Pepperidge Farms cake. Nothing elaborate and definitely not something to be expected after every meal.

I don’t believe in bribes usually and definitely not for something that should simply be done. When it comes to meals you sit down and you eat. That’s it. No questions asked. No reward for doing it.

If your child isn’t eating their meals then you need to find out why, not try to bribe them with dessert. Using food as bribes does more than just the damage typically associated with bribes. It also sets up unhealthy eating habits and contributes to childhood obesity.

An article on childhood obesity from The Cleveland Clinic web site says, “Try not to use food to punish or reward your child. Withholding food as a punishment may lead children to worry that they will not get enough food. For example, sending children to bed without any dinner may cause them to worry that they will go hungry. As a result, children may try to eat whenever they get a chance. Similarly, when foods, such as sweets, are used as a reward, children may assume that these foods are better or more valuable than other foods. For example, telling children that they will get dessert if they eat all of their vegetables sends the wrong message about vegetables.” (The full article can be found here.)