10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 5

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Get Feelings Out There, Good and Bad
Feelings … nothing more than feelings. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. The mom for this one suggested pulling your kid onto your lap, hugging them while you have ‘complain time’ when they’re cranky. You both sit there and just complain about things together to provide a way of verbalizing what’s wrong. That’s a kinda novel idea and I like it for when they’re just generally cranky and there’s nothing specific bothering them.

Getting your kids to talk about how they’re feeling when they’re sad or upset is difficult and it only gets harder as they get older. I believe, like with most things, the earlier you start in trying to get them to verbalize how they’re feeling the more ingrained it will be and as they get older the less likely they are to just clam up.

The ‘complain time’ thing has the bonus of teaching by example. You get to show them that everyone has stuff to complain about and hear you doing it in a positive way, and also gives you a chance to share how you dealt with the situation. For example, you could say, “I had to do Bob’s extra work today causing me to miss my deadline and that made me angry. So I talked to my boss about it and got an extension.”

Another important aspect is recognizing when they’re upset. Sometimes it is really obvious, other times it isn’t as clear. My daughter, for example, will misbehave when she’s upset about something. If she’s misbehaving for more than one or two little incidents or really acting out I know something was up and it’s time for a sit down. That is after she’d had a bit of a time out to figure out why she was acting that way.

She couldn’t always tell me what it was so I would go through a list of possible things that might be the cause. Then I frequently had to drag the information from her but once she got started it would all spill out, everything from the thing that was causing the current issue to stuff that had been building up. It is usually very cathartic for her and occasionally a bit painful for me.

Nowadays we usually use my bed when we talk as we can snuggle better (though she’s not always ready to do that at the beginning of the conversation) and there’s enough room for both of us. Sometimes I still do the time out thing, though I don’t call it that anymore, so she can think about what’s going on and get herself under control before we talk.

After a particularly big discussion last summer with her about things that were upsetting her, we made an agreement that she would tell me when something is bothering her so that I, or we, could fix it – even if that only meant her being able to talking about it. I think it has been a bit better but it is still a bit of a struggle sometimes. Hopefully, though, the more she does it, and the more open I am to it, the easier it will be.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 4

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Win the Sweets War
Ahhh … the wonderful world of candy and desserts. I admit, I love candy and desserts. They’re just so … yummy! I confess, I don’t have much of a problem with this and my daughter. She’s not much of a candy eater and didn’t develop a love for chocolate until a few years ago. I avoid much of the problem with this by not letting her have access to a lot of candy and the snacks we have in the house aren’t usually sugary.

The mom from the article said she included the dessert on their dinner plate with the rest of their food and makes sure the dessert is small enough not to fill them up if they decide to eat that first. When I read that I was like, “What the heck? Dessert at every meal? Is she crazy?”

Desserts have never been a problem in my household because from day one my daughter was never allowed to think that she was going to get one following every meal. My husband and I never had dessert after every dinner. It was a treat maybe once or twice a week, usually reserved for Sunday dinner. For my family, it was generally either pudding or J-ello, sometimes pie or a Pepperidge Farms cake. Nothing elaborate and definitely not something to be expected after every meal.

I don’t believe in bribes usually and definitely not for something that should simply be done. When it comes to meals you sit down and you eat. That’s it. No questions asked. No reward for doing it.

If your child isn’t eating their meals then you need to find out why, not try to bribe them with dessert. Using food as bribes does more than just the damage typically associated with bribes. It also sets up unhealthy eating habits and contributes to childhood obesity.

An article on childhood obesity from The Cleveland Clinic web site says, “Try not to use food to punish or reward your child. Withholding food as a punishment may lead children to worry that they will not get enough food. For example, sending children to bed without any dinner may cause them to worry that they will go hungry. As a result, children may try to eat whenever they get a chance. Similarly, when foods, such as sweets, are used as a reward, children may assume that these foods are better or more valuable than other foods. For example, telling children that they will get dessert if they eat all of their vegetables sends the wrong message about vegetables.” (The full article can be found here.)

Mixed Gender Sleepovers

I guess you could call me a liberal parent. Maybe a very liberal parent. Last night I let my daughter’s male friend spent the night at our house. They (my daughter, her female friend and the guy) were shocked when I said yes, especially since I’d said no before. It was a different situation then and wouldn’t have worked, but this was much different so I could say yes.

I confess, if I didn’t know he was gay then I wouldn’t have allowed it but he is very much so. I knew no hanky-panky was going to take place while I slept so I figured, “Why not?” He could sleep on the futon in the living room and the girls would sleep in my bed, as usual.

They stayed up much later than I did and when I stumbled out of bed this morning I discovered he was on the futon, my daughter was on the love seat and her other friend was curled up on the floor. Apparently they just crashed where they were. Not exactly the way I’d planned but good enough.

It was a very different experience, but it worked out really, really well. They had a great time, he and my daughter bonded while playing Naruto on the PS2, and all were very well behaved. I definitely would let him spend the night again.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 3

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Put Nightmares to Bed
I think there’s nothing worse than being afraid to go to sleep. Even as an adult I still suffer with this now and again. There are times when I have to sleep in the living room, my safety zone since being a kid, just so I can get some sleep. I’m not afraid of monsters anymore, but I am afraid of someone breaking in and, I confess, ghosts. Making sure the doors are locked and moving to the couch is enough for me to be able to get back to sleep but with kids, sometimes you need more imaginative solutions.

The mom who answered this question suggested handheld fans, spray bottle filled with ‘Go-Away Monster Spray’, and lying in bed with your child to talk about pleasant things to dream about.

I don’t remember having bad dreams when I was a kid. Though if I did have them it was when I was around five years old. I had Perthe’s Disease and needed sleeping pills to get to sleep when I first got the casts on (I had a cast from my ankle to thigh on both legs with a board between them for just under a year).

When my daughter had bad dreams, which wasn’t very often thankfully, my husband came up with a great idea: flushing the monsters away. He would take her pillow into the bathroom and would shake all the bad dreams into the toilet, talking loud enough for her to hear him about how they were all falling into the toilet, then he would flush them away. This worked a charm for my daughter and she was able to go back to sleep, generally having much friendlier dreams. If they just wouldn’t go away after repeated flushings she would get to crawl into bed with us.

At 12 years old, the toilet flushing thing has ceased to work for her. So now, as a single mom living without a partner, I simply let her sleep in my bed when she has bad dreams or just can’t get to sleep. It doesn’t happen very often and she knows it isn’t going to become a regular thing so it isn’t a problem. Like everything, it doesn’t always work but most of the time it does the job.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 2

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Help Homework Happen
The mom from the article said she sets up homework stations for her kids and has them do it as soon as they get home from school then stays nearby to help if needed. She commented that the routine makes it a lot easier.

I like the homework stations thing if you have more than one to keep their papers and stuff from getting mixed together. That’s a great idea if you have room. For me, I only have one so anywhere she wants to plop down and do it (other than her bedroom where I can’t see her) works for me. Thankfully for the last three years she’s been going to an afterschool program where they make the kids do their homework while there, or at least try to get through most of it. She admits it makes getting it done a lot easier.

I disagree, however, about making them do it as soon as they get home. Kids need down time when they get out of school. The principal at my daughter’s middle school has always stressed the importance of having a bit of time to relax before having to get in the school frame of mind. This advice convinced the afterschool program where my daughter goes to change their schedule so that the kids have 20 minutes for snack and chatting before the homework time starts. It has made a huge difference for the kids in the program.

For my daughter, before she was in this afterschool program and when she doesn’t go, the schedule is that she gets to have a half hour of down time for snack and TV or computer, then it is homework time. This is true if she goes home or comes to my office. Once it’s done she is free to do whatever she wants. Knowing that this is the way it is going to be makes it so much easier for her to get it done and I don’t have to worry about it.

Routines
Homework is not the only place routine will make a difference. If you define what the routines are and make sure you follow-through then compliance will be easier, over time, and make for less stress for everyone. Also make it clear that unless there is some really special reason there will be no deviation from the routine.

It is never too late to start! It might not be as easy when they’re 12 as it would have been when they were 8 or 9 but if you stick with it you’ll find your success. It will be a lot of work but the benefits will make it well worth it. Make sure you define what is expected and put it in writing somewhere that everyone can see it so no one can forget. This works for household rules and chores too.

But the earlier you start the better. Even toddlers and preschoolers can be included in routines – including homework. If you have school-aged kids and younger ones who don’t have homework, you can have the younger ones use the same time to color or do some pages in a workbook. This also makes it so the older ones don’t feel like they’re missing out on all the fun.

I truly believe kids thrive on schedules. They like knowing what is expected of them and when, even when they’re teens. It makes dealing with everything else life throws at them easier when they don’t have to worry about when to get up, when to be outside to catch the bus, when their classes are, when to do homework and chores, etc. My daughter and her friends, who are 12-16 years old, are always complaining about how much more complicated that day was if there was a special assembly or other deviation in their regular school schedule. It throws everything off for them.

The occasional change, though, is good for them so they learn how to cope with it before they’re adults. Things rarely run like clockwork so being able to deal with unexpected changes or deviations in their schedule is an important skill to have. How you deal with changes also will affect how they deal with similar situations. If you’re calm and relaxed, they’ll learn to be that way too.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 1

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Gather Helping Hands
The woman from the article advised, “It takes a village to raise a child, especially a newborn, and you’re a better mother for asking for the assistance that you need.” As a single mom living 90 minutes to 4 hours away from family, I really feel the whole lack of a village thing.

It wasn’t until after I moved to NH that I realized how much I’d left behind. It really does help to have someone, or several someones, to turn to when you need a break, have doctor’s appointments, have to work late, etc. I’ve made some friends now and am lucky that if I really need the help there are a few people I can count on to be there to help. I do the same for them and their kids.

My parents never had a problem with leaving us with family or friends, and while they didn’t do it particularly often it was enough so that my sister and I were comfortable being away from them. My daughter has been spending time (sleepovers) with her aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends since she was six weeks old. She still prefers being at home but is very comfortable being at other people’s houses and away from me – either for fun or because she has to be.

I think it helps the kids a lot, too. They get used to being cared for by more than one or two people, which helps bolster their self esteem (more love from more people helps make them feel worthy), and makes it easier when emergency situations arise and they are forced to be away from you. The younger you start the less likely you are to have to deal with separation anxiety when they start school or day care.

Rediscovering Pleasure in the Little Things

This post isn’t so much about parenting as it is general living, but it does apply to parenting too. Far too often we take things in our lives for granted and don’t realize how much our lives are affected by them.

Recently I had a lot of work done in my mouth. It took me out of the eating loop much of the first few days and it is only today, nearly three weeks later, that I really feel like I can eat with relative ease. The experience, which will be a once in a lifetime thing, really had a major impact on me and I learned a few things.

First, I really don’t need to eat a lot to sustain myself. My food consumption has gone down drastically and seen a significant drop in the amount of starches I eat. I’ve been forced to eat soft, mushy foods so things like breads, crackers, cookies, pie, pizza, etc. have been gone. Granted some of it hasn’t been good for me – the puddings, canned fruits, and ice cream. I know in the grand scheme they’re not going to hurt nearly as much as they would if the rest of my diet hadn’t changed.

Second, much of the enjoyment of food comes from the actual chewing. I’m sure there’s a scientific reason for it and I probably could remember it if I tried but I’m talking more about the psychological effects. I just haven’t enjoyed eating since my ability to chew has been greatly reduced. Food isn’t nearly as much of an attraction when you can’t really enjoy what you’re eating or have to swallow most of the small bites you’re taking whole. Last night I had two slices of toast and could actually chew the crust. It was the best food I’ve had in days!

Third, I can’t believe how much fun it has been making these little discoveries about things like eating and food, generally overlooked things in my life. I didn’t realize how much I took them for granted. It has caused a whole new way of thinking of these things.

Lastly, I discovered a “new” me. Since the work was done in my mouth I’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight, I feel and look healthier (okay, the tan helps with the looking healthier), and I feel much better about myself. I really feel like the bad cycle I’ve been on for most of my life has finally been broken and I can start fresh. The hard part, getting started, is over because I had no choice so now I need to maintain the progress I’ve made and start working towards making more improvements.

I now feel inspired to see where else in my life I can make more of these discoveries and see what I've been missing. If you're looking for me I'll be busy looking for the little things.

A Glimpse at Fatherhood

As a widowed single mom I don't often get to experience fatherhood upclose, so it has been fun and interesting watching my friend go from discovering his wife was pregnant to where they are now, about half way there.

He is just so adorable. He talks to the baby (even more now that I told him it will help the baby identify and connect with him after he/she is born), gives it kisses through his wife's belly, and goes to all the appointments with his wife. On Father's Day he read his unborn child the picture book about skinks (they have a few of them and a snake!) his wife had got him as his Father's Day present. He wonders how she puts up with it and my answer is simple: it is clear he's in love with his child. What mother would be upset about that?

It reminds me of my pregnancy. My husband was much the same way. He fell in love with our child long before she was born. He went with me to all the appointments he could get to, especially the special ones to make sure her heart was okay. He loved caressing my tummy and feeling our daughter kick. I don't think he ever read to her before she was born but he was as attentive as you could hope for. In the pictures from the day my daughter was born you can see beyond a shadow of a doubt how he felt about his little girl. I wish all moms-to-be could have this experience.

Happy Father's Day!

Maturity, Who Needs It?

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. – Dave Berry

I love this quote. Your level of maturity can always be pretty much anything you want it to be. At more than 35 years old one might call my occasional lack of maturity being young at heart; though I think most would just call me immature. An example?

Two weekends ago I was sitting at a red light, I was in the left lane in my 2003 Toyota Matrix XRS and there was an early- to mid-20s guy and his buddy in the right lane in an older Suburban kind of vehicle. The light turned green and he started to take off. I, out of the blue, decided I would see if Gidget (yes, that’s what I named my car) could out race him, so I floored it. The guy woo-hoo’d and floored it too. Needless to say, I won. I did have the element of surprise on my side. As he drove past me as I was making a left hand turn he gave me a thumbs up.

I was so proud of myself for winning. I also became more of a Goddess in my daughter’s eyes. She actually went inside and bragged to all her friends about it! They were most impressed. Not so much that I’d won, which they were amazed at given my car is basically a station wagon, but because I’d tried at all. Their parents wouldn’t even think about doing something like that much less actually do it.

I like being able to do stuff simply because I can. Did I waste half a gallon of gas with putting the pedal to the medal? Most likely. Was it worth it? Oh yeah! I suppose doing that when I was counting pennies to even get groceries would be considered reckless but I can afford to drop $2 on about 20 seconds of fun so I did.

Other things I do: watch cartoons, play video games (current ones that most of the teens I know are also playing), listen to the same music as my daughter and her friends – usually with the radio cranked up, read manga/love anime, jump in leaves, build sand castles, do papier mache, wear Happy Bunny stuff, and so on. My daughter and her friends think it is so cool that we naturally have so much in common, even if my appreciation for it is on a different level.

There are definitely times when I have to be a grown up and I think that’s the real sign of maturity: knowing when you need to be a grown up and when you can goof off. I may not always get it right but I think I’m doing pretty good with it. For now though, I’m gonna go feed my video game addiction.

Letting Kids Decide

“What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?” – Evelyn Waugh

This quote summarizes the view the world had towards children prior to the 1970s. Born in 1903, Arthur Evelyn St. John Waugh was very much a part of the old school of thought when it came to children. He died in 1966, just before children started to gain a voice in society.

Today we generally no longer regard children as unfit humans or little adults. We see them as children who should very much be seen and heard. In doing so we opened up a whole new world of exploration and knowledge of humans.

An article that appeared in Parent Express, the parenting paper I edit, made me think about this. The article, Discovering Your Baby’s Amazing Brain, talked about all the things that you can do to help your child be the most he/she can be. Much of the evidence proving these things was found in the last 40 years. Can you imagine what we’d know now if the social attitudes towards children had changed earlier?

I am much happier to be raising a child today than I would have 50 years or more ago, and a huge part of that is directly related to the changes in social attitudes towards kids. I have always viewed my daughter as a child but also an individual. She has a brain that functions quite well and I believed she should be using it. The earlier, the better.

For example, people used to stare at me like I’d gone insane because at 18 months old I was letting her choose the clothes she wanted to wear. I figured she was the one who was going to have to wear it and be seen in it, so she should have a say in what she got – within reason. She only got to choose between outfits we could afford to buy.

Not only was I teaching her about making decisions, a skill that is still weak for me; I was teaching her about individuality. She has never been one to follow the trends and she has her own sense of style. It is one that I don’t always agree with but as long as she’s dressed decently (aka, everything’s covered that should be and is within the guidelines of school) then it really is none of my concern. Though I confess I do speak up now and again when the outfit just doesn’t work, sometimes a bit of guidance IS required.

Reminds me of something I read in one of Supernanny’s books. As a former nanny I was interested to read some of her views on childrearing, especially since she was giving advice to parents on how to raise their children. I strongly disliked the show but was willing to give the book a chance.

The first thing I turned to was her saying young children should not be allowed to make decisions. They’re not capable of it so you should set out the clothes they’re going to wear, choose what they’re going to eat, etc. I was in the bookstore at the time and I actually laughed out loud when I read it. I made my daughter read it so I knew I hadn’t misread it.

Obviously, what she said went against everything I’ve done in raising my daughter and did when I was a nanny. Children, even as young as 18 months old, can and should be involved in making decisions about what they’re going to wear, eat, play, etc. It is those decisions that will guide them towards defining who they are as an individual. You are not the one eating the food, they are. You don’t have to wear the outfit all day, they do. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to have some say in the matter? Does it really matter if they wear green shirts three days in a row or want cheerios every morning for breakfast?

Obviously, there are times when they can’t choose – wearing a suit to a wedding, eating whatever Grandma cooked for dinner, wearing dress shoes with a suit or fancy dress and not sneakers, etc. Learning and understanding when they can’t be part of the decision making and why is another huge step in becoming an adult.

My daughter has always been very happy about the situation. She has seen her friends who don’t have a choice in things and considers herself very lucky. It has served her well when dealing with other situations in life, and being able to weigh her choices before making a decision knowing she has only herself to hold accountable for it later.

Let your kids start making decisions, discover who they are and forge their identity. They’ll definitely thank you.

I'm back

A series of life happenings, injuries, and dental surgery has kept my mind distracted and unable to focus on the task at hand. But I'm back now.