Movie Review: Juno

My daughter had wanted to buy Juno last weekend but I suggested we watch it first. I happened to go to one of the stores in town that has one of those Red Box rental kiosks and it was available so I rented it. My daughter was really happy and we watched it during dinner and for the rest of the evening. It's a long movie.

Going into it all I knew was that the chick got pregnant somehow. I was not expecting to see such a real and compelling story. I felt so bad for Bleeker. His role throughout the pregnancy was so insignificant and dismissive of his part in the making of unwanted baby. It really was a sad commentary on how the fathers are so excluded from the process and decisions being made.

And I so want to be those parents when I grow up! They were the kind of parents I want to be: someone my daughter can come to when she messes up and be there for her, despite what I think of the situation, and make sure she's taken care of while imparting gems of sage wisdom along the way (including my favorite line "Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.").

I confess I started crying as Juno was laying on the hospital bed mourning the loss of her son. It reminded me of the loss I feel everytime I think about my decision years ago to have my tubes tied and the baby I'm likely to never have because of it.

The story has a few plot holes, like most stories. The whole thing with Mark falling for Juno and her for him seemed to be lacking in development, though it makes you wonder if that's why things didn't work out the last time he and Vanessa were about to adopt a baby. I also would have like to have seen more of an interaction with Mrs. Bleeker and Juno. She didn't seem to have any knowledge that Juno was carrying her grandchild, and if she did there was no emotion about it.

All in all, though, it was a great movie. Go out and rent it today and watch it with your teens, both boys and girls. You won't regret it.

Learning How to Fail

I was looking through the Hewlett Packard catalog that came in the mail today. There’s a blurb from Mo Williams that says, “My books are about failure because I write what I know. We, grown-ups and kids, fail daily. But we seem to have lost the sense that failure is okay, that it’s a learning process instead of a catastrophe.”

He said it much more eloquently than I could. Kids are no longer encouraged to win because that would mean there was a loser, so we’ve started teaching our kids that we’re all winners and there are no losers regardless of how well they did. My daughter has asked many times, “Why should I try to be better when everyone is going to be a winner no matter what they do?” How do you answer that one?

I grew up in the 80s when this whole concept of no losers started building momentum. I’m thankful that I missed most of that. I like winning. I like knowing that what I did was better than other people. It gives me justification for putting all the effort into whatever it was. When I come up short I try to learn what I did wrong and, hopefully, find ways to do it better next time. That’s what failure is all about!

“If at first you don’t succeed, try again.”
Kids need to be allowed to fail or lose so that they can learn how to pick themselves back up and try again. It is how we learn to talk, walk, interact with others, learn to share, get educated and, ultimately, become functioning adults. When we don’t allow kids to lose or fail, we end up with children who no longer feel like they need to work to improve or succeed … they’re going to be winners either way.

But what happens to them when they get into high school and start looking at college? Getting scholarships and into the school of their choice is not an easy thing. They have to prove that they belong there and should be helped reaching their goals. What are they going to do when colleges start responding with “Thanks but we’re going to have to pass on your application”?

What about when they start looking for jobs and they’re not hired because they don’t have the skills they need? Or are fired because they have demonstrated they don’t need to improve or succeed on the job? Will they have the coping skills they need to deal with this kind of rejection or failure?

I love the “we’re all winners” attitude and I think it is valuable. Unfortunately, it isn’t realistic. There are many ways we can encourage our children and bolster their self esteem without losing the skills to deal with failure. Here are some suggestions from the National Network for Child Care:
    • Laughing at ourselves when we make mistakes;
    • Providing enough materials and supplies so children always feel they can start over if they make a mistake;
    • Reacting calmly when mistakes do happen (e.g., "Oh, well. It didn't turn out. Too bad. We'll try it again sometime.");
    • Helping children learn from their mistakes by focusing on what they could do next time to avoid the problem;
    • Encouraging children to turn their mistakes into successes (e.g., change the odd-looking bird picture into a very colorful free-form design).

Boys: Getting Them to Communicate

I don’t have a son and I didn’t have a brother when I was growing up so my knowledge of boys has been limited to my nephew, who is 8; my little brother, who is 12; and my daughter’s male friends. They’re all very different but they all seem to have one thing in common: they don’t know how to talk about how they’re feeling.

I met one of my daughter’s friends when they were in fifth grade. When I first met him I thought he was really obnoxious and didn’t much like his behavior, and much preferred his twin brother. It wasn’t until I got to spend more time with him at the after school program they all attend that I really got to know him and come to appreciate him as a person. He’s now one of my favorite people and I consider him to be a friend.

It turns out that all he really seemed to need is for someone to notice him and that something was wrong. I had a conversation with him once when he was having a really bad attitude day. I wouldn’t let him get away with saying, “Everything’s fine” and I kept gently pushing. He finally told me about the pressures at home with school work and how he was really tired every day. He was feeling really overwhelmed and he knew he shouldn’t be acting the way he was but he didn’t know how to stop it. It was definitely a pivotal moment in our friendship.

I’ve discovered that many of my daughter’s male friends are just looking to be noticed. Another guy from the after school program really had a problem with settling down and not being so ADD. He would ask staffers if he was annoying, they would frequently dismiss him or tell him what he was doing wrong and to stop. He would ask me and I would say yes then make a general comment about what he was doing before sitting down to talk with him or start an activity. He seemed to almost immediately start to behave better; or at least until the ADD got a hold of him again and he was off on another tangent.

Here are some ways I’ve used to get kids, especially boys, to open up:

Do something with them – play a board game, go for a walk, watch TV together, etc. While you’re doing the activity and talking in general it is a great time to casually sneak in questions about how things are going at school, home, with friends, etc. They’re usually in a relaxed frame of mind and more open to talking in general.

Another way to get them to talk is to bring up gossip, I’ve seen boys be worse than any girl I know when it comes time to dish the dirt. I know gossip is generally looked down on but it is a great way to find out what is going on in his life as well as those around him, and at the school.

Encourage him to invite his friends over. Without hovering over them, listen to what they’re talking about and get cues for things to talk about later. This is helped by keeping the computer and video games in the family living area. You may not get much but it is amazing what they’ll talk about when they don’t think you can hear them.

Talking to them about your day and stuff happening in your life will help make them feel more involved and willing to talk. Asking them for advice and help with things also encourages them to open up. Kids often have really amazing insights on things and can help you see things from a whole new perspective.