Letting Kids Decide

“What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?” – Evelyn Waugh

This quote summarizes the view the world had towards children prior to the 1970s. Born in 1903, Arthur Evelyn St. John Waugh was very much a part of the old school of thought when it came to children. He died in 1966, just before children started to gain a voice in society.

Today we generally no longer regard children as unfit humans or little adults. We see them as children who should very much be seen and heard. In doing so we opened up a whole new world of exploration and knowledge of humans.

An article that appeared in Parent Express, the parenting paper I edit, made me think about this. The article, Discovering Your Baby’s Amazing Brain, talked about all the things that you can do to help your child be the most he/she can be. Much of the evidence proving these things was found in the last 40 years. Can you imagine what we’d know now if the social attitudes towards children had changed earlier?

I am much happier to be raising a child today than I would have 50 years or more ago, and a huge part of that is directly related to the changes in social attitudes towards kids. I have always viewed my daughter as a child but also an individual. She has a brain that functions quite well and I believed she should be using it. The earlier, the better.

For example, people used to stare at me like I’d gone insane because at 18 months old I was letting her choose the clothes she wanted to wear. I figured she was the one who was going to have to wear it and be seen in it, so she should have a say in what she got – within reason. She only got to choose between outfits we could afford to buy.

Not only was I teaching her about making decisions, a skill that is still weak for me; I was teaching her about individuality. She has never been one to follow the trends and she has her own sense of style. It is one that I don’t always agree with but as long as she’s dressed decently (aka, everything’s covered that should be and is within the guidelines of school) then it really is none of my concern. Though I confess I do speak up now and again when the outfit just doesn’t work, sometimes a bit of guidance IS required.

Reminds me of something I read in one of Supernanny’s books. As a former nanny I was interested to read some of her views on childrearing, especially since she was giving advice to parents on how to raise their children. I strongly disliked the show but was willing to give the book a chance.

The first thing I turned to was her saying young children should not be allowed to make decisions. They’re not capable of it so you should set out the clothes they’re going to wear, choose what they’re going to eat, etc. I was in the bookstore at the time and I actually laughed out loud when I read it. I made my daughter read it so I knew I hadn’t misread it.

Obviously, what she said went against everything I’ve done in raising my daughter and did when I was a nanny. Children, even as young as 18 months old, can and should be involved in making decisions about what they’re going to wear, eat, play, etc. It is those decisions that will guide them towards defining who they are as an individual. You are not the one eating the food, they are. You don’t have to wear the outfit all day, they do. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to have some say in the matter? Does it really matter if they wear green shirts three days in a row or want cheerios every morning for breakfast?

Obviously, there are times when they can’t choose – wearing a suit to a wedding, eating whatever Grandma cooked for dinner, wearing dress shoes with a suit or fancy dress and not sneakers, etc. Learning and understanding when they can’t be part of the decision making and why is another huge step in becoming an adult.

My daughter has always been very happy about the situation. She has seen her friends who don’t have a choice in things and considers herself very lucky. It has served her well when dealing with other situations in life, and being able to weigh her choices before making a decision knowing she has only herself to hold accountable for it later.

Let your kids start making decisions, discover who they are and forge their identity. They’ll definitely thank you.